HOLLYWOOD is indeed the mecca of bizarre beauty rituals. The city of eternal youth pioneered several questionable practices, including the newly discovered art of **** bleaching. Surely you’ve heard of a process rumored to be in favour with the likes of the pencil-thin, lily-white actress Lara Flynn Boyle? The process involves bleaching one’s bum with solutions that may include hydroquinone, kojic acid and mandelic acid. Not entirely safe, but perhaps necessary for the sort of glitterati who have been known to indulge in a refreshing coffee enema on a regular basis. We less-than-stellar types don’t often spend much time beautifying our bottoms, but we are often guilty of severe beauty blunders. In my opinion these qualify as some of the worst:   Dark lip liner with light lipstick: Only porn stars and Pamela Anderson can carry this off, and that’s because they’re paid to look silly. If it’s a pout you crave, dot sheer frosty gloss in the centre of your bottom lip on top of your lipstick. Lip liner is best when neutral to match your lips.   Dark lipstick with an otherwise bare face: Avoid the Gwen Stefani blood reds if all you’re wearing is lipstick. If you crave deep-red lips, balance them with powder and mascara. If you’ve only time for lipstick, opt for a sheer pink for porcelain complexions and plummy or medium-red for darker skins, otherwise you’ll look haggard, not hot.   More than one inch of dark roots: Folic flawlessness may be hard to achieve on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes it feels like a full-time job hiding grey roots. Try lightening your hair to within just two to three shades of your natural hair colour so roots are less visible. If you dye your hair darker, use mascara to cover the offending inches. Try to go for a professional colour at least once a year to ensure that your locks are a shade that is found in nature and not in a juice box.   Orangey base: There’s no excuse for this today, since many companies offer custom-mixed foundation. Test foundation at your jaw line and blend. If it disappears, you’ve found your shade. Or try some on your inner wrist, where the skin tone is closest to that of your face.   Severely scraped back hair: It may work for the likes of Ms Dynamite but most humans aren’t born with faces that can carry off a look that harsh. Constant tugging can cause permanent damage to your hair. Try applying conditioner from the roots to the tips and pull your hair softly into a ponytail at the nape of the neck. This is a perfect solution for beach days, since you’ll be conditioning rather than frying your hair. Next week: beauty (while you) sleep E-mail queries to slaphappyhelp@yahoo.com and I’ll put the best ones in this column Rachel Weingarten (www.rachel-w.com) is beauty director of www.planetpretty.com